My Mental Health is a Work in Progress
I have chosen to write about my mental health on this very public forum and space to an audience of complete strangers (and a few friends) a very few times because I find it extremely important to be open and honest about what I go through not for myself, but for others who might relate and want to know that they are not alone. Baby, you are not alone! I have suffered from depression and anxiety since I was a teenager and it’s something I combat daily. Some days I win, others it wins and I’m left feeling depleted and sad and not good enough for anyone. Mid last year amidst leaving my job at the Swoosh, these were feelings I oscillated between on a constant. Last year’s theme of “care” bounced between being in a place to take care of myself and taking into consideration what it’s like to really take part in a healthy “self-care” routine and it was hard to really do any of those things when I couldn’t find enough love for myself. So when the things I once loved doing as part of my self-care routine weren’t making me happy, I confessed to my therapist that maybe I’d never find joy in them again, that maybe what I had determined for me, like writing to you, weren't enough to continue caring for myself or even worth doing anymore because there were so many other people doing it too.
She reassured me that the pressure I was putting on myself for those things to make me happy was put on by myself and that when the time was right I’d find that joy again in them and in me. As 2019 came to a close, taking heed from my therapist, I created boundaries in order to create the right headspace, and I placed a new perspective on my routine in order to survive during a tumultuous time for my anxiety (aka the holiday season).
I’m bigger than the imposter syndrome that society places on us, I’m bigger than my anxiety and self-pressure and I deserve to be here doing what I love on my own time. I am solely responsible for making myself happy and if I remain open and honest with myself and how I’m feeling, doing these things will not bring me joy, but be joy unbound by insecurities.
The boundaries and internal reflection on my self-care journey as the year kicked off really helped me gain a true understanding for what my self-care and self-love language will look like for 2020. Patience for my own healing and self, time and a new perspective really helped me, and while it’s a definite work in progress, I’m back to my favorite devices. Drawing, writing, coloring, spending time with my loved ones, respecting the boundaries I have placed and giving myself validations for my feelings and affirmations have truly helped. Not to mention, realizing how many more people were going through the same thing or trying to really find their voice/own self-love in a world that makes it difficult to seem like an individual, was overwhelmingly comforting and gave me the strength to finally write something down for my blog.
So let’s get it folks. I’m here for the long haul.
